​His hands were all over me, touching me, kissing me, I did all I could to push him off, but he was stronger than I was. The word ‘no’ stuck in my throat, as he pushed me into the living room, and continued his attack.
I closed my eyes, doing my best to block it all out. I lay crumbled on the floor, as he stood, done, and told me not to mention it to anyone, or next time it would be worse. I did not dare to open my eyes until I heard the door click shut. Even then, I did not move from the floor. I had laid there all night, not daring to move in case he did as he said he would, and come back. Every noise, made my heart race, my skin crawl. I stood, finally and checked the front door, and put the chain across. Not that it made me feel any safer.

I then climbed the stairs and took a long hot shower, as the first sprinkle of water hit my head, did the tears fall. I sat in the bath and cried until no more tears were possible to leave my body.  Scrubbing my body raw, did nothing to make me feel better. I know my friends would tell me to report this attack, but I was too scared to tell anyone, to ashamed.

I unplugged my phone, removed my battery from my phone, climbed into bed and hid beneath the covers.

I don’t know how long I was there, minutes, hours, days, but I refused to move from the cave I had hidden myself in. When I heard hammering on the door, I hid further in my cave. He was back, to do it again, or worse. What was worse, than violating me?

Then I heard his voice, calling I can only assume through the letterbox. I wanted to go down, let him in, tell him everything. We were only just starting a relationship, and now I was too scared to let it happen. To let my love for him show. I wanted him to go, leave me alone.

I closed my eyes, pulled the duvet over my head, and hid away from the sounds of his voice.

Until I felt a presence in the room, and then someone removed the duvet from me, I screamed, scared he was back, telling him no, not again.
“Julie, it’s me, Natalie…”

I opened my eyes, saw her face, she took one look at me and pulled me to her.

“What happened, Julie please tell me?”

I couldn’t speak, the words I wanted to say, were not leaving me, I could only cry. It was then I saw him, Ben in the doorway, tears in his own eyes. He knew something had happened, but not the what.

“Please tell me,” Natalie repeated.

I shook my head. “I can’t, he will come back.”

“Who, who will come back.”

I threw my hand over my mouth, I had said more than I meant, now I had begun, the words tumbled from my lips. The name of my attacker, the man who raped me.

“I’ll kill him,” Ben said, not sure whether to comfort me, or not.

“We need to call the police, Julie, he needs to pay for what he has done.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know hun, but it’s for the best, where are the clothes you were wearing.”

It was then I had to admit I was wearing so little, it was my fault.

“It is not your fault at all,” Ben began.

He held me, but I pushed him away, it was far too soon. I heard Natalie tell him, to give me time.

Everything that came next happened in a blur, the police, the invasive prodding, pictures and telling the same story over and over again. Days passed, sleeping did not come easy, I could not go back home. In fact, Ben insisted I stay at his place, which felt odd at first, since he lived at home with his parents. They were understanding and did not want me home alone either. Meeting them for the first time under these circumstances was not exactly how either of us would have planned it.

They insisted I stay for as long as I needed. I knew I never wanted to go back to that place again. I had not wanted to leave Jessie, but Ben went back every day to feed her. Work were good about it all, understanding, but I was worried, that they would believe his word over mine.

I had to go back, but when, when would I feel ready to go back to the same place he worked. I knew he was still there walking the halls like he owned the place and had done nothing wrong.

Ben’s mother sat me down one afternoon and told me we needed to talk. I felt shaky, she wanted me out of there. I had out stayed my welcome, waking up in the middle of the night screaming, must take its toll.

“Julie, don’t look worried, I am not kicking you out. I would never do that to you, I do have something we need to talk about.”

“We do?”

“Yes, it’s been two months since…and honey, there is something I think you need to think about.”

“I do?”

“Yes, I want to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

“When was your last period?”

I frowned at her, that was an odd question to ask me, why would she ask me such a thing. I had not even thought about it. I couldn’t recall the last time.

“You know why I am asking you, don’t you?”

I shook my head, no.

“I think you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I think you do, but I can understand why you wouldn’t want to.”

I shook my head again.

“I think you need to take a test, it could be stress of course, but I think you already know deep down, it’s not.”

“If and I mean it, if I am, I don’t want it.”

“I can understand that, but what if, and I mean it’s a possibility that if you are its Ben’s.”

“I don’t know if even that would make me keep it.”

“Julie, let’s worry about that once you take this test.”

“Test?”

She nodded, opening a cupboard beside her, she removed a box and handed it to me.

“You know what to do.”

I took the box, and thanked her, for everything. I really hoped that the test was negative. The next two minutes were the longest of my life, and waiting to look at the stick, my fear was there, in two pink lines. If I had not been raped the feeling I should be having was not of sadness, but of happiness.

The tears fell and I could not stop them, two taps on the door, alerted me, Ben’s mother was on the other side. She told me it would be okay, everything would be okay.

She knew, she knew I was.

“Come on out Julie, there is no need to hide away. Let’s take this one step at a time.”

I opened the door, and she held me as I continued to cry on her shoulder.
“Should we tell Ben together,” she said.

I did not want to tell anyone else. I told her to not say anything, I needed to go to work, see them first, talk to them about more time off. I was not ready to go back.

His mother said she would come with me, and I could not thank this woman who had taken me into her home and taken care of me. Having no mother of my own, she took on that role. She was an amazing lady, Ben and I were not even an actual couple, or were we. We cared deeply for one another, but I did not want him to feel that he had been stuck with me.

The corridors seemed longer as we walked down them; I felt eyes were on me, but not sure if they really were. Then I saw him, walking towards me, smiling. He was smiling at me, he had the nerve to smile at me. I wanted to go over there and wipe that smile off his face.

He moved towards me, closer, until he was in my personal space.

“You won’t get away with it, you know, Julie! I warned you,” he said, leaning in towards me.

“Get away from me,” I screamed.

“Is that him,” Ben’s mother asked, as she stood between us. “Get away, how dare you speak to her, you will pay for what you have done.”

“Done, I did nothing, she has been the one harassing me.”

“That’s a lie,” I said. Tears falling freely once again, it seemed all I did was cry.

“Don’t let him get to you, come on.”

I was glad his mother had come along, I was not strong enough to do this alone. The look on his face. He lied to my face, but tried to scare me, which he did, but now I was pregnant, something in that moment changed in me. I did not want to keep it if I could have guaranteed it was his, but she was right, it could also be Ben’s. I suddenly felt very protective of this baby growing inside me.

The door to the office of my boss was there before me, I knocked, and was soon asked to take a seat.

“Julie, are you ready to come back. Has this whole situation blown over?”

“Blown over, no, not until he has paid, been sent to jail for his crime.”

“Julie, are you sure you want to go down that road.”

“Yes, I won’t let him get away with it,” I said.

“Right, okay, we will back you all the way, I just needed to make sure you wanted to do this.”

“I do. He cannot get away with it.”

“No, you are right there. I want to let you know there are some that think he is innocent, and others of course that believe you.”

“And you, you don’t believe.”

“It’s not my place to say which one I am, I am your boss and will support you all the way. My opinion does not matter at all.”

“But it does, if you and others do not believe me, how am I going to get others to. I am and never have lied, not about something like this.”

“Can I be honest?”

“He came to see me, told me, you have been following him, trying to get him to go out with him. So this is why you made this lie up.”

“I see, and he sweet talked you, made you feel special. So it must be a lie.”

“I didn’t say that, but he looked me in the eye and told me, that he did not do it.”

“And I am doing the same, and telling you he did it. He did rape me, and I am not going to go away and hide, not any more.”

“Good for you,” I heard Ben’s mother say.

“Return to work when you are ready, but I also have to tell you, that you only have so much sick pay left.”

“I know, I just need a little more time.”

“Okay, I am just a phone call away.”

“Thank you.”
 
We left her office, and walked down the corridor, a woman passed us, looking directly at me, I frowned. That was odd, maybe she was one of the ladies who did not believe what had happened. I could only guess that the story of what had happened was all around the hospital.
It did not matter, not any more, I knew the truth and he would pay.
 
I returned to a week later, I needed to get back to some kind of normality. I had a lawyer and my case would be going to court. He wanted justice, as much as I did. He did not believe a word Richard said. I was worried about seeing him in the halls, but I had to go back, I needed to work. I had to find a new place to live, I had boxed up my place, and planned to sell it. I could never live there again.

Ben agreed, he wanted us to find a place together, but I was not sure about that, all I knew was, that I did not want to live on my own. I had no idea if we were a real couple. We had not really spoken about it, but I still had to tell him my other news. I did not want him to feel we had to be a couple because of it.

My first day back, I sat in my car, looking at the hospital, when I heard knocking on the window, for a moment I was frozen in fear. Until I looked to my left and saw a woman, she looked familiar. I rolled my window down. She lent down and asked if she could get in, there was something she needed to talk to me about.

“Get in,” I said.

She was trembling, and she started to talk, words tumbling from her lips. Her story so much like mine, it seemed I was not his first victim. She knew no one would have believed her, so she had kept quiet.

“Will you come forward?” I asked. “It will help my case.”

“I want to, but I am scared.”

“You’re scared.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Me too, but I won’t let him win.”

“No, me either, okay I will come forward. I wanted to come forward before, I saw you in the corridor, I wanted to tell you I knew the truth.”
​
“Thank you.”

In a heartbeat
 © 2015
S.J.Hitchcock

I scanned the beach, and there he was, standing there, and he was looking in our direction. This was not what I had expected on my day off. Had he followed me this morning, did he know where I lived? The whole thing made my body shiver, was he a stalker?

“Get me out of here!” I said. The day was ruined, how could he do this to me, was this the first time he had followed?

He took my hand and led me of the beach. I apologised for him.
“This is not your fault, he has a problem. Is this the first time he has followed you?”

“I don’t know, I really don’t know.”

“Should we call the police?”

“I don’t know, maybe we should just go.”

“Okay, let’s go, should we eat, or just go home?”

“He’s spoiled our day out, I was really enjoying it.”

“Me too, let’s not let him spoil we should pretend he isn’t here. Let’s go and get fish and chips, we cannot come here without having greasy fish and chips, and an ice-cream.”

“You are so right, we should. I haven’t had decent fish and chips in a long time.”

“Well, I know the perfect little place, we could have it out of a bag, which is the best way, or we could have it served up on a plate.”

“I have always had them in paper, and you can’t quite beat that, but I like the idea of eating it off a plate.”

“Good, happy to hear that, as the place I want to take you does both.”
It took ten minutes to walk there. I could not help but look behind me every few minutes. I could not see him; I felt my heart slow down and relaxed. The scent of the chips hit me as we entered. My mouth watered.

The place was full, except for one table, we sat down and I watched the door. He passed, realising there was no room for him to enter, and join us. Why wouldn’t he leave me alone, why had he followed us.

Ben stood, and marched towards the door. He was gone before I could say a word. The door swung open, and they were face to face, I could see them arguing. Richard pushed Ben, I didn’t want Ben to get hurt, not that I didn’t think he could stand up for himself. I knew everyone was watching, but I didn’t care. I pulled the door open.

“Stop it, Richard, leave me alone, just go, leave me alone.”

“I am not following you, I just told him the same, and I will tell you. I happen to be off today and enjoying a day out. Is that a crime.”

“Well no, but…”

“Good, you enjoy your day out and I will enjoy mine.”

“Ben, come on, let’s eat.” I said, trying to defuse the situation. I was starving and our food it seemed had arrived and was now on our table. As I turned to look in the café, I realised the staff were watching us, as were most of the other customers.

“Shows over,” I said as I marched back to my seat and picked up a fork and stabbed at a chip. They were still staring, but I did not care if they were all looking at us.

The date could have been a disaster, but we chose not to let it, and enjoyed the rest of the day. We entered one of the many attractions, played on the two pence machines, bowled. And last but least, we walked along the beach eating a whippy ice-cream. Then we waited for the train to take us home.

The ride was silent, but I did not mind that. I had checked the whole train for him, to make sure he was still not following us. He had said, he wasn’t, but I did not believe him, and nor did Ben.

The date was over, he kissed me good, a long hot kiss, and watched me climb into my car and drive away.
 
The house was quiet, my cat was nowhere to be seen. It was unlike her to not come out when I came in. I called out her name, but nothing. I was too tired to go looking for her. I opened my back door, and stepped out onto the patio. I did not like that she was not here, she was my companion. We often curled up on the sofa together.

I shuddered, cold and full of the enjoyment of the day, ignoring the fact that it was almost spoilt. I closed and locked the door.

Filled Jessie’s bowl with biscuits, and then made my way to my room. I planned to take a shower, and curl up on the sofa with a mug of tea.
 
The water was hot, as it trickled down my body. My head beneath the water, I heard a muffled sound. The cat flap maybe. That made me feel better, finally she was home. She did not often stay out, she was a home girl, and did not often stray far from the home. I switched the shower off, wrapped my body in a fluffy cream towel. Stepping onto the rug, I opened the door and walked down the hall to my room. My door was a jar and suddenly swung open, making me jump. My heart raced at the door swung back. I turned around and there stood Jessie, looking at me, and in her mouth a mouse. I prayed it was dead. The last time she brought in a live one I could not stay in the house, I had to call someone in to find it. Just that thought, made me shudder. She dropped it at my feet and jumped on my bed, curled up and closed her eyes.

“You scare me like that, and act like nothing has happened. Silly girl.”

I sat on the end of the bed, beside her and stroked her behind the ears. She looked up at me and then closed her eyes again.
 

The next morning, I woke up early, my last day off. I had plans to visit Natalie at ten, and spend an hour or two with her. Later I would food shop, and put a load of washing on. I would have an early night, there was no doubt about it, today was going to be a good day, and as the first text arrived from Ben, I had a smile on my face.

Ben: Good morning, just checking in, wondered if you fancied meeting for coffee at the hospital at 1pm on my lunch hour?

Me: I can do that.

Ben: perfect, see you then.

I was seeing him again, another date.

Natalie could not believe I was seeing him again, and no matter how much I was loving cuddling little Lewis, my mind was on Ben.

“Wow, I have never seen you so ga ga, over a guy.”

“I’m not ga ga.”

“You are, you checked your watch five times already.”

“I have?”

“Yes you have.”
I did not even notice that I had been doing that.

I left an hour later, giving me half an hour to get to the canteen. I arrived, parked my car and entered the hospital. The place was as usual packed, it was strange to see it empty, and rare. I passed the shop, and waved to the two ladies who worked in there. I stood by the entrance to the canteen, and felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to find Richard staring at me.

“I want to apologise about yesterday,” he said, his hand still on my shoulder. I nudged it free.

“Okay, it’s forgotten.” I stepped away and turned my back to him.
I hoped he would just leave, leave me alone and never talk to me again. I did not like him, he made me feel so uncomfortable.

“Julie, there you are,” Ben said approaching me.

“Here I am,” I said, throwing myself in his arms.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, is it wrong to have missed you already, I cannot believe I am saying this, but I really like you. A lot.”

“Good, because I like you a lot too.” He took my hand and led me to the queue for to buy coffees. “I only have an hour, but wondered if I could see you again tonight?”

“Sure, what would you like to do, we could catch a movie or..”

“We could, but I think I much prefer it if we were alone, no one else to spoil our night.”

“Ah, yes, okay, your place or mine?”

“I would say yours, mine, well…”

“Okay mine,” I said, as I sat at the table with my drink in hand.

“Good, I’ll bring the movie and goodies.”

“Are you sure?”
​
“Yes, I am sure.”
 
I could not wait until Ben arrived, I had not gone food shopping, and instead, I cleaned the house. Changed my bed sheets, not that I was expecting anything to happen. I wanted to be prepared.

He arrived on time, we sat on the sofa, silent for ten minutes, the movie still in the box. He placed his hand on my knee, and that was it, his lips crushed down on mine. I could have told him to slow down, to stop, but I did not want him to. I had not planned it, we had not meant to. I never had sex with a guy this soon, but it felt so right, he was sweet, and so gentle. We moved to the bedroom, thankful for changing the sheets. He kissed me, before pleasuring me in more ways than I ever dreamed about.

We laid there for an hour, entwined. We seemed to fit together so perfectly. I wanted to allow him to stay, but he left an hour later. I kissed him goodbye, a dressing gown wrapped around my naked body.

He had told me he too never planned to let it go that far. I kissed him again and told him, me too.

He had been gone five minutes, when I heard hammering on the door, I had the biggest smile, Ben was back. I could happily have him back in my bed again. Just the thought of his lips on mine, had me shuddering. I had not had time to put a nightdress on, and was thankful as I knew it was soon be removed.

I opened the door, a hand pushed me hard against the wall. His hands fumbling with my dressing gown, as he slammed the door shut with his foot.